It Takes a While to Lose 200 lbs.

There's that scale again.

Tomorrow I'm going to be eating with some other students at the cafeteria and I realized that this will be my first time eating this way in public. Based on past experience I expect people to say, "are you on a diet?" (Yo- there's a Fat Girl On A Diet!!!) Well, no, I'm not on a diet, but I know it'll look that way. Now that I'm back "outside" I'm also back to reliving how painful it is to be overweight in public I imagine everyone's looking at me with a critical eye as I squeeze into little desk/chair combinations, huff and puff as I rush from class to another class, and wear clothes that don't look all that great because they're all I can find (and afford) in my size- these are all things that remind me that no matter how well I'm doing on raw, I've got a looooooong way to go and that I don't look the way I want to look. Yesterday I had to stand in line holding heavy books - do you believe my arm was weak for about an hour after that? I've never been so out of shape. Even when I weighed 250 lbs I used to play racquetball, and that was only a few short years ago! I used to dance for hours straight, long after my skinny friends tired out. But I'm now in the worst shape of my life as well as being at the age where people die from their lifetime of poor fitness and eating habits. I often fear that I might have a heart attack, even though I'm pretty "healthy" for a person of my weight and fitness level.

Oprah once had a guy on her show who had been so overweight that his legs were bowed from holding him up. He had many health problems. Finally, he lost the excess weight. He looked and felt great. I think he was in his 40s (I could be wrong). When he was on her show he was all smiles. But later, before he really got to enjoy his life as a thinner person, he died from complications related to history of excess weight. I felt so bad for him! But I don't see his story as a "might as well not bother" tale; instead, it reminds me to do what I can now and try to enjoy the life I do have. Losing this weight is a slow process, but I am alive, I have a family who loves me, some great friends, and goals I'm reaching for. I can't stop now!