We've Replaced Allison's Lettuce with Parsley...Will She Eat It?

Today, inspired by Valerie Boutenko's raw vegan weightloss ideas, I decided to replace my salad's romaine lettuce with a combination of Italian parsley and cilantro. Cilantro is one of those herbs that people either love or hate, and I am a cilantro lover. Still, I was nervous that the salad would be too strong-tasting. I am happy to report that the salad was delicious- the herbs were definitely strong tasting, but they complemented the salad veggies nicely. And let me add, I think I've never had breath this fresh-smelling before (haha!).

I've always chosen romaine over other lettuces for the protein, but according to nutritiondata.com, parsley is a better source of protein, plus its protein is more complete. It has 3 grams of protein per 100 grams while romaine has 1 gram of protein per 100 grams.

What else? Well, 100 grams of parsley has 34% of your day's iron, 14% of your calcium, and is off the charts for vitamins A and C. There were no listed cautions against parsley, but I noticed that it is higher in sodium than is romaine: 56 mg for 100gms of parsley, and 2 for romaine. Another caution might be price- I haven't yet compared the two. (I used about 1/3 of a bunch of cilantro and 1/3 of a bunch of parsley for my salad, stems and all; I believe the entire bunch of Italian parsley was under $1.50. I can't remember the cilantro price). Along with the veggies, all that parsley made for a big salad that will keep me full until evening. Now I'm looking forward to trying curly-leaf parsley because it'll make a very attractive-looking salad.

Tough Week

I think I picked the wrong time to start bootcamp! My mind has not been on it the way it should be, what with classes and moving. My daily exercise usually involves some combination of moving, packing and cleaning, not the concentrated time at the gym or outside that I would prefer. I haven't been able to get online daily due to no longer having internet. But in 11 days I'll be in my new place and will be able to settle down. Due to selling some furniture I finally had money for real food shopping. I went to Whole Foods and got great salad fixin's from the salad bar. I'm just about back in business! Too bad the house is a shambles right now. :-)

The people at the Raw Food Boot Camp are very nice and supportive. I feel bad that I'm not up to standard at the moment, but having the bootcamp behind me is helping me keep my ultimate goals in mind despite my many current challenges.

I got a nice message from "Jennifer" who was very concerned about my gaining 35 lbs eating raw. Let me clarify- I went off my raw diet for a while! I didn't gain weight eating raw, although I did stay stuck at the same weight for weeks before I slipped off the wagon. Looking back, I know the high fat content of my raw diet was part of the problem, but I was enjoying the nuts, olive oil and avocados too much to give 'em up. After I'm finished losing weight, I will probably eat a diet much higher in fat than the Raw Food Bootcamp recommends, but for weight loss I think their 20% fat limit is better for me.

35 lb weight gain! Sad, but True.

Seems impossible to gain so much weight in such a little amount of time. I swear I must have a physical disease. I weighed myself earlier this week and found myself back over the 300 lb mark. I'm not depressed about it - maybe I'm still in shock. Really, though, I just kind of took it as inevitable; that's what happens when you overeat SAD and don't exercise. Maybe I have an extra-sluggish metabolism or something as well, but the main thing is that I ate more calories than I expended. BIG TIME.

So I joined the bootcamp. I don't have a lot to report yet because I really haven't been doing it properly due to not having enough money to buy the right amounts of groceries. Erratic access to the internet caused me to miss a couple of days of proper logging, too. After my move these conditions will improve. We have to do one hour of exercise daily for the bootcamp. Right now mine consists of packing boxes, tossing out stuff and cleaning. Boy, do I ache right now!! I've been taking Alleve this week. And my allergy symptoms have gotten so bad that I've taken out the old pills to use until my raw diet cures me of that problem again. I swear the symptoms are worse than last year. My sinuses hurt for three days straight.

I was eyeing a marathon that's being held here in December. If they have a walking version of it (often there are 5k walks associated with marathon events) I might try to envision myself training for that- it's a motivational tactic more than anything; I'm not sure I'm really gonna do any 5k's in the near future. Right now it's hard for me to think positively about losing weight at all, but as long as I look at the situation logically instead of emotionally, I know it will happen. There's no way that eating raw and going to the gym will not result in weight loss. Perhaps by next month when things are more settled I'll feel more positive about things. One day at a time remains the mantra.

I'm Back on Board!

OK- the good news: I've joined Carlene's Raw Food Bootcamp. If any of you have ever heard of it, its basically a very tough, regimented weight loss program based on a raw food diet and daily exercise. I look forward to getting back to my previous form through this program. I started today, and have had my first salad in a long time. I'm out of practice so it tasted rather bland to me, but the blandness reminded me that I'm doing the right thing. Soon my taste buds will have recovered from the junk I've been eating and I'll enjoy the full range of fruit and vegetable flavors again.

The exercise will be interesting. I have a jump rope, so if I need to conserve gasoline by avoiding the gym, I can certainly jumprope in my garage. The weather is perfect, thank goodness, so I can get some outdoor walking done as well (although the bootcamp requires one hour of exercise that makes you sweat, so I'd have to trot!).

I haven't weighed myself but I'm guessing I've gained about 20 lbs over the past weeks. I fit into clothes that I wore back in June! I have to weigh myself today since it's the first day of bootcamp for me. I'm excited about reversing the problems I've re-acquired since going off the raw diet. I wonder how long it'll take for...

1) the darkened pigment on my face to go away
2) my cold/allergy symptoms to disappear
3) my back pain to lessen
4) my dry skin to improve
5) my swollen ankles to deflate!

I do have some fear that the bootcamp will cause me to lose weight too rapidly and make more of my hair fall out. On the other hand, if I have to choose between less hair and overcoming food addiction, I'll choose overcoming the addiction. I'm used to wigs and hats now! I'm not happy about them, but I'm used to them.

Well, I'll keep you all posted on how the bootcamp goes! Wish me luck- oh wait, this isn't about luck it's about hard work! Ten hut!

Survived Another Week

I'm still not eating raw, but I'm feeling better about my food choices over the past week. I've rediscovered soup, so I'm eating vegetable soups and my mangos. Eventually the healthier foods will outnumber the less healthy foods.

Financial problems have caused me to lose my cable, phone and internet access so that's impeded my ability to blog this week. However, I try to see the positive in everything. Local internet cafes help me with internet access and also get me out of the house. Not having a phone means no bill collectors to wake me up at 8 a.m. on Sundays. No cable means less distraction from studying. See? We can make it work!

I'm looking at some new housing options this week so that I can actually afford to live and even save up some money. The upheaval will not be pleasant and I'd prefer better choices in where to live, but my longterm goal of getting my Ph.D is my main guide to the decisions I make. If my decisions get my closer to that goal, then even if they are unpleasant I want to try to make them work. The move puts me closer to places that are necessary in my life- school, work and the gym.

Not being on raw is a real catch-22 for me these days. Eating raw really helped to lift my depression earlier this year, but it didn't make it impossible to get depressed over new situtations. Due to that depression I stopped eating raw. I think that if I'd managed to stay on raw, I wouldn't have gotten as depressed as I have. I'm hoping to follow Ren's lead in getting outside support in returning to raw (namely, bootcamp) but I simply cannot afford it. I'll let you all know what happens with that.

On to Tuesday, One Day at a Time

On Monday I took my vitamins and had my melon and cottage cheese for breakfast. The rest of my meals were not raw. My coworker who assigned herself as my food monitor asked me if I was ever going back to eating raw. I told her that I am easing back into it, but that I would also be concentrating on eating whole foods as well, cooked or raw. I can see that processed foods have a very negative effect on me so cooked or raw, whole foods are definitely part of my journey.

I’m very excited because my parents are coming to see me next week - they have not seen me in a year. Even though I’ve gained some weight back, I’ve still lost at least over 50 lbs since they last saw me. My mom is not a big fan of the raw diet, especially since it was part of the reason for my hair thinning out, so she’s happy that I’m eating “regular” food again and thinks I should just eat less. I wish it were that simple. I can drink alcohol and coffee and smoke tobacco with absolutely no attraction to their addictive properties. I get no buzz or relaxation from the chemicals whatsoever. But sugar? Salt? Give me a little and I want a ton more. So whole, unprocessed foods are on my grocery list. If I had an infusion of say, $100, I’d run straight to Whole Foods and stock up right now!

Still Struggling, But Hanging In There

I took a break from the blog over the past couple of weeks to get my thoughts together and to keep from repeating the same tired problems over and over. How many times can I say that I’m off the raw diet and feeling horrible both mentally and physically? I wanted to take some time to figure out a strategy, perhaps even to let this play itself out. Each day that I am not eating raw is a reminder of how unhealthy SAD eating is. I feel like I have a cold everyday. Sneezing, coughing, headaches, backaches, joint pain, you name it- it’s like returning to 2005, pre-raw.

I’m trying to get back to the road to good health- holistically. My current plan is to surround myself with objects that remind me of positive things, and to get rid of those that I see as negative. For example, when I’m depressed I let the house get disorganized, and seeing that disorganization makes me even more depressed. The messier the house gets, the more impossible it seems to clean it, and as some of you know, when you’re depressed, what would be minor disorganization to someone else can seem an impossible task to you. In a very short amount of time, I can be overwhelmed and “stuck.” And that goes for everything- school gets overwhelming, staying raw gets overwhelming, life gets overwhelming. Being the sociologist I am- specifically a symbolic interactionist- I am using my interest in object relations to deal with my depression. I won’t go into the details, but to greatly simplify things, I’ll say that the mess in my house is an “object” that, for me, reflects negativity. Recognizing this, I am motivated to get rid of it. It may sound like a strange strategy, but I’m not original in coming up with it as a solution to depression. I’ve also gotten rid of the foods that I see as negative. OK, I ate ‘em - but that means that tomorrow I start the day with healthy stuff in the fridge, which feels much better than the stuff I could be looking at.

Over the past couple of weeks I’ve gotten a lot of encouragement from fellow and sister raw foodists, including those who are struggling as I am. Thank you for the support! It’s hard to blog when I’m feeling depressed because I don’t want to spread that kind of negativity. On the other hand, I’m not the only one who goes through these things, so sharing our problems can be helpful.

Looking for Tools

This weekend was a struggle for me. I was actually pretty ill on Friday- don't know what the heck I ate, but it didn't agree with me. I got about 4 hours of sleep that night. Reminded me of the old days of bingeing and getting sick as a dog. I spent part of Sunday trying to get myself into the right emotional frame of mind for the week. Being prepared is a big help in general- not just having raw foods on hand, but being organized for the week's duties. If I am disorganized mentally, it's easy to let other areas get chaotic as well. I've used the Franklin Covey "Seven Habits for Highly Successful People" in the past so I used it as an exercise to get back on track for the week. I chose 7 roles that I play in life (student, sociologist, daughter...) and then the "big rocks" (most important tasks) I need to do for each role, such as get through 17 readings for classes, make an effort to meet with certain people at my new job, email my mom, etc. There are four areas that you are supposed to cover for each role, if I understand it properly: physical, mental, emotional, and spiritual. I know that being physically healthy is important for me to be able to concentrate on my work and studies, so I listed that as a goal for the week: a trip to the gym. I also listed that I will meditate and try to take walks. My heart isn't totally into things, but at least I am thinking in the right direction. My car is packed with gym gear so I'm ready to go if I decide I want to.

I looked up local Buddhist sanghas and events and found something that seems interesting. It is Zen, which I am not particlarly into, but I might give them a visit. I certainly need something right now! I am being very antisocial these days. I passed up two parties this weekend and pretty much wallowed in pity in the house instead. What a waste of time! I'll get out of this funk eventually, but I'd like to do it before I gain 80 lbs.

TGIF

OK, so my week didn't go exactly as I had hoped. My fast was a bust, and I didn't stay raw. However, I ate a salad every day, had fruit daily, and drank tea and water rather than soda or other beverages. My new hair has helped me gain a little more confidence about my appearance while my real hair struggles to grow back, so that has given me one less thing to worry about, especially at my new job which requires tons of meetings with all sorts of professionals.

Yesterday at job #2 I used the desk where the bowl of candy sits. I absently ate a piece and what do you know, the woman who monitors my food intake walked in and sat down while I was still chewing! I know she must have smelled chocolate and seen the second piece sitting by the keyboard, but she didn't say anything about it and neither did I. It was actually very amusing- I felt like my father had caught me but was torturing me by not saying anything. :-)


This morning I ate a mango for breakfast. I always feel very healthy and happy after a big 'ol juicy mango. All those vitamins! I'm off to work in a few minutes with a CD full of good music. I have another marathon meeting today so I'm taking nuts to work with me, as a snack. They are healthy and will fill me up. I'm striving for a raw day. The more days that I strive for it, the more likely that I will finally reach that goal and be back on raw completely.

Whew, Made it Through The First Day!

Yesterday was much easier than I thought it would be, as far as getting back to raw. There was one moment of weakness, when someone pointed out that the desk I was working at had a bowl of chocolates on it. Immediately people were digging into it and I almost... almost... but I didn't. Whew.

I tried to set myself up for another good day (thank you again, Red Hot Chili Peppers, for getting me through those traffic jams!) by thinking positive, optimistic thoughts. The scale shows I've only gained a net of 5 lbs from my two weeks off raw, so 5 of the 10 lbs I saw a few days ago were just water weight. That's not so, so bad. Right now I'm drinking my Yogi fasting tea, I've had some low-fat cottage cheese for breakfast, and have a salad waiting for me for lunch.

It feels great to be back on the raw wagon, but I'm keeping in mind not to overly identify with how raw I'm eating and not to give food too much importance. After all, I'm also a sociologist, a student, a fun-loving person, a daughter... so many other things besides a consumer of raw food!

EVENING UPDATE
Well, I didn't stay raw all day. I was at a SIX hour staff meeting! Just when I thought I would die of hunger they bring in the- pizza. Sigh... I had a slice. So much for the salad! Next time we have a marathon meeting I'll bring the salad with me! I hate being off raw because I feel like the Monster has gotten hold of me again. However, I'm still going to try one day at a time and eventually I'll be where I want to be again.

I've Had My Kombucha- So Far, So Good

Good morning! I started off today in a great mood, which seems to be helping me to set out for raw day. If I were feeling depressed I would be eating the food off that lady's desk right now (I'm at work early). But no, I am drinking kombucha, have a little container of almonds and cashews with sea salt waiting for me, and a salad and cottage cheese for later. I wish I could maintain a mood like this all the time, since it's a great way to start the day. I listened to my favorite tunes on the way to work and sang through all the traffic jams. I hope you all have good days as well.

And by the way, I have a myspace page now- I finally joined that bandwagon. The sociologist in me finds it intriguing and exasperating at the same time. If any of you have myspace pages, feel free to join me. But beware- I don't "collect" people like trophies the way so many MySpace people do- I actually like to interact! So if you join my network, feel free to send me real messages so I know you're alive. :-)
http://myspace.com/rawodyssey

Living Life

Today I'm trying to focus on staying more positive. To do this, I need to lessen the amount of attention I put on food, because I’m finding myself going back to where I was last year- ruled by food! When I was eating raw, I could go for hours and forget there was such a thing as food. I wasn't hungry, wasn't craving, wasn't feeling guilty or deprived- I was attending to the other parts of my life, and food occupied a proper amount of space in it. Now, food has taken over again. So I’m going to make a concerted effort to do some enjoyable, non-food things (except I do have to go grocery shopping today- can’t totally avoid food!)

One thing I really love is music- it’s a great escape and is very relaxing, even the type of music I listen to (metal, hard rock). When I can’t get into my music, I know I’m really going through a “down time,” but last night I was able to relax for the first time in a while. I think reading the welikeitraw.com site was a factor in helping me to gain some perspective and stop berating myself as much for falling off the wagon. I listened to some great stuff for HOURS- like from 10pm to 3 a.m! I think I listened to some songs about 20 times apiece: Dani California (by the Red Hot Chili Peppers), Master of Puppets, Some Kind of Monster and St. Anger (Metallica). I threw in a few other types of songs, but most were of the rock/metal variety. This type of music gives me energy, although I don’t always use it to push myself out the door the way I should.

Sometime overnight I found out about the death of Steve Irwin, the “Crocodile Hunter.” I was very saddened about this- especially by the idea of his suffering before he died, and by thoughts of the family, friends and fans he’s left behind. But I also have to say that he died doing what he loved. His lived his life according to his principles and his mission: to teach people to respect wildlife rather than to shun or kill living creatures out of fear and ignorance. He wasn’t perfect; he made mistakes in judgment and he’s gotten injured in the past, but he believed in what he was doing. If you see interviews he’s given, he was a driven and happy human being.

That is a lesson for people like me who tend to hide behind books rather than getting out there and living life. Irwin lived his dream, while I’ve spent way too much time preparing to live mine - gotta get healthy before I ride a motorcycle! Gotta lose weight before I take those percussion lessons or ride a bike across the country! Gotta finish school before… Well, at this rate, I won’t have done any of the crazy things I’ve always wanted to do! People may think Irwin was crazy, but there is much to admire about the fact that he wasn’t afraid to live his dream. I could stand to take a page from his book.

(Speaking of books, here are a couple below)

The Path of No Extremes

Today I took a break from studying and decided to play with my Mac's screensaver. I tested the one that displays RSS (newsfeeds) and boy was I shocked to see my name come up! Turns out www.welikeitraw.com's Drumhil was commenting on my post about the challenges I've had staying raw. I really liked what he had to say- here's a quote:

"From my experience, I would say most of the problem relates to identity. The majority of people in the raw food circle have been sold a very rosey picture of what it means to be an enlightened rawfoodist who is above and beyond all food cravings and temptations. This image is a tough one to live up to and very few gurus talk about the honest challenges that even they face trying to live up to this image on a daily basis."

I really agree with this statement. As readers of this blog know, I've been very disillusioned about the lack of easily-accessible discussions by raw food gurus about certain topics, such as the hair loss I've experienced. There are raw food forums where topics that cast doubt on 100% raw food diets are taboo. I don't believe there is a single diet for everyone- we have different food tolerances and even likes and dislikes. A mostly-raw or 100% raw diet just doesn't do it for everyone, while for others it works just fine.

I think I've gained 10 lbs in the approximately two weeks I've been off raw (how unfair is that? I can't lose ten lbs in two months but I can gain it in two weeks?) :-/ Drumhil's observation that people who try to be perfect can find themselves backsliding back to non-raw has some relevance for me. I was doing so well, I thought. I was proud to be staying "high raw" despite months of not losing weight. But when the stress hit me, it was too hard to strive for high raw- I've been too busy trying not to get depressed. So I let it go altogether. I really want to incorporate the Buddhist values which include following the "Middle Path" of no extremes in either direction, but I keep forgetting to do that! Right now I'm on the non-raw extreme. I may ease my way back towards raw by starting the day raw, and then just seeing how the rest of the day goes. I want to eat a majority raw diet because I know it is healthier for me, and that it helps keep me from bingeing, since I don't tend to binge on raw food.

I like what another raw foodist, Pomegranate Bliss, calls her raw food journey: "lovingly imperfect." She embraces imperfection from the get-go! If I could adopt an attitude more like that, and not go from one extreme to another, my raw odyssey would not feel like yet another stressor when the chips are down.

Here are some links below related to this post.

Drumhil's article at www.welikeitraw.com
Raw blog by Renee (a kindred spirit): Pomegranate Bliss
Wikipedia entry about the Middle Path

I'm Never Eating Again!

(Photo: teas for my upcoming fast)

What a terrible day I had today. I've been off my raw diet for almost 2 weeks and I feel it has caught up to me. On one day this week the skin on my left cheek hurt really badly- my cheeks had been more darkly pigmented than the rest of my face but had cleared up once I started eating raw. Now the skin is getting a bit rough again and my cheek hurt so badly I could barely touch it! Another thing: I've been congested for days- stuffed and runny nose. I feel (gross-out alert): "mucous-y" as well as "heavy" and slow- like a weight is constraining me. Another thing (prudish people alert): my breasts hurt VERY badly for several days this week. I think it was from all the sodium. I'm just falling apart, people!! At work today I felt all out of kilter, as if I had too many things to do and not enough time to do it. I just needed solitude so I could think. And tonight as I was washing dishes I knocked over a glass and cut my finger rather deeply. I refuse to get stitches, so here I type with one bandaged index finger looking as nasty as I feel.

But waiting for me is the menagerie of teas you see in the photo above. I am so ready for a fast. I need to clean out my body and my mind because I feel like a trash can. I know I can easily fast with water alone for a couple of days, but I decided to make the experience more interesting and flavorful by trying out a bunch of teas I've never had. I made sure they had no fructose, "organic cane juice" (who do they think they're kidding with that one?) or other sugars- except for the Kombucha teas, whose 4 gms of sugars per bottle come from the fruit. I limited myself to 3 kombuchas for this fast.

I didn't pick the teas with any expectation that they will do what they claim; the detox and fasting teas claim to help you in those two areas but if they aren't any more special than any other teas I won't have a fit. I just liked the idea of using a tea called "fasting" and a tea called "detox" while I fast and envision myself detoxifying. I will have molasses daily during my fast, and since I have 5 mangoes, I will have a mango a day until they run out so as not to waste them. I bought a 24-pack of bottled water from Costco as well. How long will I fast? As long as I can stand it. I want to go further than the two days I did before because I remember that on day three I felt better than day two, and if I can make it past day 3, I might make it a week! I will monitor myself to ensure I don't dehydrate or feel weak, etc. (yes, nurse Pam, I said that for YOU!). :-)

I have magazines -Shambala Sun, Tricycle and Yoga - to help me get into a nice, calm mode for the weekend. I also have a lot of studying to do, which should keep my mind occupied as I fast.

So there you have it- I'm undergoing a holistic deep-cleaning this weekend.

I want to say thank you to all of you who have sent me well wishes, urged me to not think poorly of myself, reminded me of how far I've come, sent virtual hugs, shared their experiences with falling off the wagon, and told me to not say bad things about my hair. ;-D

Raw Odyssey

Headed Back to the Raw Path

It's sad to see my food addiction rear its ugly head, but I'm grateful for my ability to really see what food (or non-food, as the case may truly be) does to me, and how much better for me raw food really is. I think that I will try to keep things more loose as far as "how raw" I am, allowing myself to eat cooked veggies and other whole foods on occasion. Ausjulie commented about Buddha, which reminds me of his comments about maintaining a Middle Path- neither too extreme one way, nor too extreme in the other. Although I still can't figure out how people know they are a particular percentage raw, I can see what they are talking about- they allow themselves some leeway. I'm not ready to name some percentage, but I'm going to start thinking of myself as being majority raw, and over time I'll probably define it a bit more clearly.

One of my challenges since falling off the raw wagon is staying away from That Person that many jobs have- you know, the one with the junk food at her desk! We've got one of those at my new job. Her desk is like Costco's junk food warehouse. She's got chips, cookies, candy and granola bars. Then there's a vending machine selling Coke in the staff kitchen. Why can't they have fresh fruit and vegetables everywhere? :-)

Anyway, I plan to fast this weekend, possibly starting Friday, which is my day off from both classes and work. I plan to stock up on tasty healthy teas and bottled water, and a little fruit juice. Then I'll get back on the raw wagon. Yippee!!! And I'm rockin' my new wig, people!!

Who Deputized You as the Raw Police?

I haven't blogged in a few days due to feeling awful about going off my raw diet, and also due to all the negative things I've been going through this past week. I won't be going into details, but as far as not eating raw, I ate this week the way most Americans do- all the wrong stuff. Still, I don't feel like I'm leaving the raw life, just that I took a break. Eating raw takes a little work, as I've said in previous posts, so when I got stressed out and wanted to make parts of my life easier, out went the effort to stay raw. The funny thing about it (ok, not that funny) was that on two occasions that I did not eat raw, I was with other university people. At a banquet, one of them looked at my plate with a major frown and I had no idea what she was frowning about. She said, "That's not raw!!" She says this loudly enough for people who don't even know me to hear. Oh, good Lord! I can't remember exactly what I told her, but it was something to the effect that sometimes I just do the best I can. And then I got myself some linguini.

Another day, there was free food left over from a catered event I was part of. I hadn't eaten the food because it wasn't raw, but I was hungry and I hadn't gotten my paycheck yet so groceries in the house were almost nil (I was eating cottage cheese, bread and fruit all week). When a coworker mentioned to everyone that there was free food in the lounge for us, she pointedly said to me, "there's nothing for you." Oh, yeah? Who sent for the Raw Police??? Well, I immediately went and got myself a turkey sandwich with mayonnaise.

This is why I hate talking about my personal life to people I have to be around every day. People think you are made of cement and will never change, and they are careful to remind you of what you said months ago or a year ago. Well, I'm human and I'm not perfect, and I don't owe them any explanations for going off my raw diet. On the other hand, sometimes people do care and hate to see you go backwards- that I can understand, but don't go policing me! I have enough problems already without a guilty conscience.

I tackled another raw-related issue this weekend: my thinning hair. I really don't think it's growing back, but it still doesn't seem to be breaking off the way it was. Since I start my new and very important job tomorrow- a job that can usher me into the next stage of my life- I want to feel comfortable and confident. This is not a place to wear hats, but I hate wigs because I feel so inauthentic, and I hate doing makeup and wig stuff- it's just not me. So to feel like I have at least some integrity again, I acknowledged that I can't afford an expensive haircut and my hair doesn't look good natural, and I got out the curling iron. After a long struggle, I came up with a hairstyle that covers up the thinning parts decently enough to make them barely noticeable. My hair still grows, so the length helped to disguise it. Truthfully, my hair probably looks worse to me than it would to the casual observer because I know what I've lost, while 99.99% of the world has no before-and-after to compare me to. I probably look fine; I just don't have any more confidence. Today I debut my new look at a meeting. I am nervous and not entirely happy, but this is what I've got to deal with. I am relieved not to be hiding under a hat or wig. If people think I look like crap, that's just the way it goes.

Boy, I've really had a bad attitude this week. Between the money problems, academic stress, my upcoming move to a new home, and the physical/emotional consequences of going off raw, I can't wait to get back to my raw plan. Once I get back to that, I know I'll feel a little better mentally. Eating raw is my "home base" for a lot of things in my life. When I don't eat raw, things are screwed up!

Thanks for listening.

From Eating Too Much to Eating Too Little!

What a crazy week. Between being stressed out and not having a lot of food in the house (poor college student, remember?) I've managed to lose a couple of pounds the hard, unpleasant way. I'd prefer to lose them without the starvation, thank you. Today I had a little extra cash and made a miniature salad at Whole Foods. I scarfed that thing down like a madwoman when I got home. Wow, you never notice how little energy you have from not eating enough until you get a good meal in you!

Due to lack of money I've run out of my vitamins. I have dread nightmares that because I have no more MSM and biotin and haven't been eating enough, my hair will start falling out again. I know that's not going to happen - at least, not "just like that,",but I'm still upset by the situation. I hate having no money! I mentioned that I will be moving soon. I try to stay optimistic by planning a new healthier lifestyle after I get settled- like going to the gym more regularly, going back to shopping for groceries in a more organized way like I used to, etc. etc. Things are stressful now, but as long as I haven't rushed out to visit the dollar menu at McDonald's, I guess I'm doing all right. ;-)

OH- I should mention that Matthew Monarch, who wrote the book Raw Spirt that I liked so much, was interviewed on Raw Vegan Radio. If you are interested in hearing the podcast, click on the Raw Vegan Radio list on the right hand side of this blog, where all the resources are listed. To read the posting where I wrote about my experience with Matt's book, just do a google search at the tope of the page on "monarch"- be sure to click the "rawodyssey.blogspot.com" button so you are searching this site.

UGH- Eating Way Too Much

I'm having quite the stressful weekend and I've responded by eating too much. No, eating raw does not cure old hand-to-mouth behaviors, just the type of foods you pick up with your hand and put in your mouth! I've been gorging on nuts for the most part, and they've actually been making me a little bit ill. Who knew? I'll be glad when I've finished that bag. I don't plan to replace it! I've eaten a lot of fruit this weekend as well. I'm very happy that my overeating of fruits and nuts won't harm me the way Snicker's bars and potato chips would, but I'll still go to bed with a stomach ache if I don't watch it! I'm trying to drink a lot while I study to keep busy, and that helps somewhat.

So, am I the only raw foodist who overeats? I've read where some raw foodists believe you cannot overeat raw food, but I don't believe that to be true in my case. Anytime I eat when I'm not hungry, I call that overeating! I have some major changes coming up in my life over the next month or so: two new jobs, a new semester of classes, and a new place to live. All of these will be a challenge to me to stick to my raw diet and to not overeat. We shall see...

Ridiculously Hungry Today

Today I had my fruit for breakfast but by 10 a.m. I was so hungry I ate my lunch early. The hunger was insatiable, it seemed, leading me to realize that all week I've been unusually hungry. I was thinking earlier this week that my appetite has been smaller, but in re-examining the situation I must say that although my meals are smaller, I make up for them with snacks of fresh fruit, dried fruit and nuts. I think the reason I'm so hungry is because I've been eating the same three things for breakfast, lunch and dinner day in and day out: fruit, corn salsa, and cottage cheese. A few nuts and a few pieces of dried fruit don't do much except allay a bit of evening hunger; they aren't really satisfying whatever it is that needs satisfying. I think maybe I'm not getting enough nutrition from my limited menu. I took my insatiable hunger as an alarm and bought some hummus tonight. I made a wrap with it, using a large Ezekiel tortilla and adding a small avocado and tomato. Next week I want to make an effort to eat a wider variety of foods in order to avoid this problem. I'm not sure if I'll fast this weekend - if I'm as hungry tomorrow as I was today, I'm not going to torture myself by fasting!

Getting Smaller!

Today I had some frustration as I dressed for my new job. Nothing fits!! At least none of my nice clothes. The pants I wore to the interview a couple of months ago are hanging on me now, and the second-nicest pants I have were only slightly salvaged by a belt (that I had to dig a new notch into). I still have two new pairs of pants that I cannot fit into, though. One is a pair of very light beige dress pants, size 22, that I can still barely pull up. The other are size 22 brown capris which I love and can now fasten if I contort myself into a pretzel, hold my breath and exert the power of a thousand superheroes. But hey- I couldn't fasten them at all a week ago! Seriously, though, progress is being made.

This morning I still weighed about 267- that is a miracle. I never weighed under 270 for more than one day before the fast. Makes me want to do another fast this weekend! My appetite is still lower this week than it was before the fast, and I am happily going along with it. For breakfast I had half a cantaloupe and used the little crater as a bowl for grapes, blueberries and cherries. At the meeting while the staff ate the catered meal of meat and cheese sandwiches, I made a little salad from the leftover lettuce and tomato. For dinner I had the other cantaloupe half and filled it with cottage cheese. I've had a couple of snacks since dinner: nuts (since I've hardly had any this week) , dried mango, and more fresh fruit. Boy, am I full!! I think only ate because I was studying and probably needed a distraction. :-)