Gearing Up for the Big Day

I'm acting like seeing my nutritionist is like Christmas morning or something, but I really am excited about it. I am much more likely to spend money on things that are bad for me than are good, so I am giving myself a pat on the back for investing in my health. Of course, leading up to the visit I've been eating like a madwoman. I can tell, however, that I'm not fully in junk food mode because most of the foods I've been buying I can barely eat. When I eat mostly vegetables, as with Chinese vegetable stir fry, or when I get sushi, I can eat the whole order. Probably psychological- but I'll take advantage of it!

Hey Chubbiegirl- thanks for the comment. I really am baffled about my inability to lose weight last month- that's never happened to me before. It was like I had hit a plateau before I'd even begun! I will indeed look up insulin resistance, as well as the positive influence that cinnamon may have on that condition. Maybe I'll remember to ask the nutritionist if she's ever heard of using cinnamon for that. It would be nice if she were into natural remedies.

This weekend I tried on some clothes at Lane Bryant and The Avenue and actually took pictures of myself in them precisely because I can't stand the way I look after this weight gain. I'm trying to get past my negative body image. To that end I've also been doing some digital art, using it as a kind of therapy to desensitize myself to my appearance. If I spend enough time taking photos of myself and drawing sketches of myself, maybe I'll stop being so concerned with whether I look "bad" to others and start to see what my body has in common with other bodies. Art and photography used to be a couple of my many hobbies, but I haven't drawn in ages. This project could be a fun way to pick it up again.

The Torture Of Clothes Shopping

Today as I put on a pair of black capris pants and noticed I was floating in them, I thought about the onerous task awaiting me: shopping for new clothes. I love having new clothes, but I hate shopping for them- it's nothing short of torture. When I got down to a size 14 a few years ago I noticed how much easier it was to find cheap, decently-made, stylish clothing. At size 12 and 10 I even rejoiced at rarely having to try anything on- I could just grab something off the rack, pay and leave. And what a selection! I could really express my inner "wild child" in those days.


Today, at a size 24, shopping is even more torturous. I don't own a single item of clothing that expresses my persona because I can't find anything decent in my size that I like and/or can afford. My clothes are strictly utilitarian: they keep me legal and protect me from the elements. When I was near my goal weight and could wear the clothes I loved, I used to take walks just for the joy of being able to look the way I wanted to. I went to bookstores, cafes, outdoor fairs, etc. because I felt so good about my weight loss and my ability to dress in a way that reflected who I was.

As a large woman in ugly clothes, I don't like to go out much, and I often find myself walking with my eyes cast away from people, as if I were trying to hide. As I lose this weight, I look forward to presenting myself once again in the way I want to be seen, and feeling happy about the way I feel and look. It's not about being pretty; it's just about the freedom to express myself through my personal style. A freedom I don't feel these days.