I Get Tired of Explaining

I saw a different nutritionist today because my regular one was out due to an emergency.  Had I known, I wouldn't have even gone, because it's such a pain trying to explain to people my strange food list. I'm on my way to raw so 1) not all my foods are raw 2) some of my nonraw foods are highly processed (but I haven't chosen them haphazardly) and 3) there are still foods I eat that really don't "belong" - these are the junk I eat when I give in to cravings or temptation.  I'm still dealing with food issues, so combine that with the first two things and people don't know what to make of my diet!   Sure enough, the new nutritionist asked me what I was doing, because although she'd heard I was eating raw, she couldn't tell that from my food lists.  I explained to her that I'd done 100% raw last year and that I am headed in that direction again, but easing into it this time so that I don't lose weight too quickly, and so I can avoid the low protein levels I experienced.  Yes, I eat the occasional weird item when I give in to temptation, but I don't want to punish myself over it. 

So she reads my food list to herself and makes a point of reading out loud only the brownie and pizza. GRRRR.  I don't go to a nutritionist to have my foods "checked"! I go primarily for education, and secondarily for weight tracking.  I politely exlained the stage I am at in this raw odyssey of mine, and told her that I am not striving for perfection, and that I will eat the occasional treat.  She recognized that I was not going to act sorry or feel chastised, and agreed with me that perfection is not a good goal.   She weighed me and said that despite those  two foods, I didn't gain. Well, the reason I didn't gain is because my other meals that day were raw (very low calorie and very low fat, too)! The pizza and brownie therefore didn't put me over the fat or calorie amounts that I aim for each day. 

I am learning that I have to teach the nutritionists how to help me as much as they need to teach me about nutrition.  They are used to playing cheerleader, lecturer and scolder, but I'm through with those approaches.  I'm even rethinking asking for support for my long history of "food issues."   I think all I really want is the nutritional education and weight tracking.  The cheerleading doesn't make me happy, and the "naughty girl" stuff just gets on my nerves. They still give me advice for cooked foods and try to get me to buy their vegetarian cookbook, but I just smile and say no, thank you- and they say, "oh, that's right! You eat raw." But I do have to say that overall, I like the service I am getting from the nutritionists and feel it is worth the price. Having knowledgeable people to keep tabs on my nutritional intake and give me feedback is all I'm really looking for. What I'm doing is new to them, but because of their vegetarian backgrounds they are supportive of a raw diet. And I've lost 20 lbs!

Date with a Doctor

I wasn't happy with my visit to the doctor; he thinks I may have sleep apnea. This is not surprising to me, as I've been feeling tired, very sleepy, and stressed lately. I didn't bother setting up the sleep test because I was diagnosed with sleep apnea pre-raw (2005), and since I've regained the weight after going off raw, it makes sense that I would have this problem again. It's just that my symptoms are worse this time. My blood pressure was not good either: 145 over 81. I will have the blood tests done shortly and that will reveal the rest of what my nutritionist wants to know about my current state of health. All of this information makes my work with the nutritionist that much more important this year so I can make the dramatic changes I need to improve my health. I'm thinking of going directly to a raw diet rather than doing the phase-in I was thinking of. With the nutritionist's help, I'll be avoiding the nutritional problems I had when I did raw without "professional" guidance before.

That's all for tonight!

Just What the Doctor Ordered

I had the most wonderful weekend, hanging out with my friend Cindy. She made a great dinner, of course, grilling mahi mahi and shrimp (see photo), and preparing a healthy coleslaw, couscous, and corn on the cob. The next day we went fishing- one of the items on my "one day I'd like to do this" list. You can't really call what I did "fishing" since I spent most of the time bugging Cindy about how to do this or that, and getting the line caught in the rocks under the water. But I did learn how to cast the line and reel it back in. We didn't catch anything because a storm blew in, but I hope we'll go fishing again and actually catch dinner.

Today I started my new nutritional plan. Following my nutritionist's suggestions, I created meals balanced in protein, starches, vegetables, carbs and fruits. I had 2% cottage cheese with fruit for breakfast. For lunch I made a salad with 2 oz of grilled salmon, tofu, 1/2 oz. of Stilton, and veggies. For dinner I had 4 oz of salmon, some brown rice, and I grilled some bell pepper slices. (Whenever I eat healthfully I feel like an adult. I don't know if that's good or bad...

The longer I stay overweight and less active, the more I worry about high cholesterol, blood pressure and diabetes. I've taken a giant step by making a doctor's appointment for this week. I'm getting bloodwork done, and also checking to make sure I don't have blood sugar problems. I know that seeing the numbers will motivate me to do improve them. I love to compare and contrast my "before" results with the consequences of changing my diet for the better.

I may start my journey back to raw very simply, starting with one raw meal + two less-than-100% raw meals a day. That is easily done by eating a salad as my raw meal. My raw diet this time around won't be like my previous one. I've probably mentioned before that I'm not really into the faux-cooked foods made with raw ingredients, except as a treat (like an occasional meal at a raw restaurant). I don't plan on making raw "burgers" and fake tortilla chips, etc. Those can be fun to do, but the more I process foods into semblances of cooked ones, the more I get away from the reasons I'm turning to a raw diet again. I want to separate myself from the processed foods mentality. Over time I'll be giving up even my beloved sodas and will probably drink only water and teas. I think the only "mechanical" processing I'll do is use the dehydrator to make flaxseed crackers and dried fruit, and use a food processor/vitamix to make smoothies and cold soups.

Worked on the Outside of Me; Tomorrow I Start Work on the Inside!

What a wonderful vacation I had! But now it's back to reality. Of course I completely blew away any idea of a food plan during my vacation. I had Mexican food from a taco shop, ice cream, fried fish, fattening breakfasts, Starbucks frappucinos, Pepsi... I'm sure I've gained 5 pounds, even though I did get some walking in. I don't care, though. It was fun! And now I can get down to business, set some health goals, and go shopping to stock up my kitchen with the good stuff. Since I'm going to continue eating fish even after I start eating a mostly raw diet, I bought an indoor grill. I love grilled salmon fillets! I'll probably even grill veggies from time to time.

My new haircut and clothes made their debut at my job today, where I got some compliments. I thought I looked great compared to my usual lackluster, slouching, "don't look at me" appearance. Feeling good in nice clothing, a chic hairstyle and polished toenails and fingernails is having a positive effect on my self esteem. Appearance isn't everything, but since mine has been a reflection of my lack of self confidence, putting more attention on looking good is helpful to me. So now that I've given some attention to my outsides, I'll be giving nutritional attention to my insides. I see the nutritionist tomorrow!

Yay- I like My Nutritionist!!

My visit to the nutritionist felt pretty good. I am optimistic about her supporting a gradual switch from my current diet to a vegetarian one, then to a mostly raw one. My personal goal is to lose 50 lbs before the end of the year (she thinks I can do it before Thanksgiving) and then to focus more on feeling better physically and emotionally as I get healthier. The nutritionist's goal is to support me in doing this as healthfully as possible, both from a physical and emotional standpoint.

Today the nutritionist weighed and measured me (yuck, and yuck). She gave me quite a few handouts to read about particular nutrients, healthful foods, the dangers of Pepsi (sigh...) and other things based on my diet history and our discussion about my current health. She wants me to go get my bloodwork done as soon as possible so she can use that as a guide for a food plan. I could tell that I was baffling her with my lack of visible enthusiasm but I've been kinda depressed these days. She handled it pretty well. I like her and think she'll be good to talk to about topics like emotional eating, eating disorders, frustrations with weight loss, low self esteem, etc. It's kinda like having a therapist dealing with the main problem I have: using food for everything. I've tried therapy before and although I liked the therapist, I think counseling about eating habits might be a better way for me to approach the issues that lead me to overeat. On the other hand, I know from my raw days that when I'm eating raw, I don't have the cravings and compulsions I deal with now, so....? Is the problem emotional or physical? I believe it's mostly physical but that I've been brainwashed to believe it's mostly emotional (hence the mental self-flagellation). At any rate, I'm not going to confuse her with an actual therapist, but I know she'll be pushing some emotional buttons as we work together. How can she not?

Based on the foods I told her I'm eating right now we came up with menus for breakfasts, lunches and dinners, which she made sure were balanced with the right proportions of protein, starches, vegetables, and fruits. Stuff like coffee with creamer will go into an "Other" category, although I'll try to keep that category to a minimum (even my beloved Pepsi can go into the Other). I don't count calories- she does that. You know, even though I'm paying an arm and a leg for this service, it still feels like a luxury to have someone else put my meals together and count the calories and nutrients. All I do is say, "no" or "yes" as she rattles off food suggestions, and she writes up the menu and totals the nutrients. She even made a grocery list for me. I love it. Maybe this is what Oprah feels like!

So I've got a whole folder of stuff to read before I see her again next week. I'll be able to contact her for assistance via the internet daily if I need information or emotional support. I'm to email my food journal to her online regularly and then we'll go over it weekly in person. She'll weigh and measure me to ensure I am not losing "lean" rather than the "adipose tissue" (fat) I'm trying to get rid of. I told her that this weekend I'm on vacation in California and that I do not intend to follow a food plan. She pretty much laughed that one off and showed me how I really could follow the plan pretty easily and possibly even lose weight this weekend. I'm still not planning to follow the plan- so who's got the last laugh now, Ms. Nutritionist? Huh? Oh, you do?
Never mind.

SHORT ANALYSIS

PROS
1) If I don't lose weight this month she'll be right there advising me; I won't feel so alone in this struggle.
2) She's knowledgeable, has a good sense of humor, lots of patience, and much enthusiasm
3) Supports my whole/raw food plans
4) Is practical and realistic about my making lifestyle changes, not "weight-loss changes"

CONS
1) Sure costs a lot of money
2) Really expensive
3) Did I mention I pay a lot for this?

Gearing Up for the Big Day

I'm acting like seeing my nutritionist is like Christmas morning or something, but I really am excited about it. I am much more likely to spend money on things that are bad for me than are good, so I am giving myself a pat on the back for investing in my health. Of course, leading up to the visit I've been eating like a madwoman. I can tell, however, that I'm not fully in junk food mode because most of the foods I've been buying I can barely eat. When I eat mostly vegetables, as with Chinese vegetable stir fry, or when I get sushi, I can eat the whole order. Probably psychological- but I'll take advantage of it!

Hey Chubbiegirl- thanks for the comment. I really am baffled about my inability to lose weight last month- that's never happened to me before. It was like I had hit a plateau before I'd even begun! I will indeed look up insulin resistance, as well as the positive influence that cinnamon may have on that condition. Maybe I'll remember to ask the nutritionist if she's ever heard of using cinnamon for that. It would be nice if she were into natural remedies.

This weekend I tried on some clothes at Lane Bryant and The Avenue and actually took pictures of myself in them precisely because I can't stand the way I look after this weight gain. I'm trying to get past my negative body image. To that end I've also been doing some digital art, using it as a kind of therapy to desensitize myself to my appearance. If I spend enough time taking photos of myself and drawing sketches of myself, maybe I'll stop being so concerned with whether I look "bad" to others and start to see what my body has in common with other bodies. Art and photography used to be a couple of my many hobbies, but I haven't drawn in ages. This project could be a fun way to pick it up again.

Clothing Therapy

I've taken a little break from my healthy menu and workouts to indulge in my naughty little food treats (you saw that coming, didn't you?) It was fun but, as usual, it's always more fun eating fast food and junk than dealing with the aftermath- the stomach aches, etc. I probably wouldn't have bothered to eat those foods if I hadn't had the nutritionist appointment coming up! Fortunately, I know that next week I will be rejuvenated in my quest for health and fitness because of my new, personalized health plan. I will be meeting with the nutritionist THREE DAYS A WEEK in July. If things go well and I can afford it, I will sign up for August as well.

The nutritionist sent me a packet of documents to fill out. It asks for your measurements and weight, a basic health history, your nutritional goals, as well as questions regarding past/present eating disorders. They recommend you see a doctor before starting their program. They have a personal trainer who does a weight routine, but I can't cough up an extra $150 for him right now. I definitely want to start weight training soon, though.

Next weekend I'm spending time with a friend in California who is going to go clothes shopping with me. I really need clothing therapy! Because I hate shopping for clothes I tend to grab from the rack whatever is in my size. If it fits, great. If it's a tad too big that's great, too. If it's too small I might hang on to it or I might return it. But I never try on a series of outfits (and I never buy feminine-looking clothes because I'd really have to try those on!) Nope, I'm all slacks, t-shirts and button-down blouses. I have one dressy shirt, one pair of dress slacks, and one boxy jacket. The rest is all sporty casual and definitely not me.

My friend will help me to buy some stylish clothes, sizes 26/28, that look best on the body I've got right now. This is therapy for me because I hate to acknowledge that I've gained so much weight. To me, clothes shopping is nothing but a reminder of what I've done to myself. However, I know that when I feel good about my clothes, I have more self-confidence and a much more positive attitude throughout the day. I remember fondly the nice outfits I used to put together before I gained all of this weight. Nothing expensive, or trendy- just quality clothes that were tailored, had some personality, and fit me nicely. These days my fashion statement is "don't notice me, please." So I'm gonna work on changing that. I don't think I should wait until I get smaller to start dressing better, although I must say that spending money on clothes when I'm losing weight is very hard for me to do. I hate wasting hard-earned money. I have to rethink that attitude: spending money on something that makes me feel better about myself shouldn't be considered a waste!

Found a Nutritionist

A few people at my job love a particular nutritionist and have been seeing her for awhile. I've been watching my pennies since I first learned of her and have rearranged my budget so that I will have enough money to see her this month- I'm very excited about this. This woman is well versed on vegetarian foods and just wrote a book about vegetarianism. One of my coworkers who started seeing her this year looks awesome- he has lost weight and looks generally healthier- he's a walking billboard for healthy eating. He speaks enthusiastically about how his life has changed since learning about eating properly. Well, he's singing to the choir. I know from my experiences with my raw diet last year how wonderful the right diet plan can be. I plan to ask her about vegetarian, vegan and raw diets, and especially about weight loss.

I like the idea of seeing a nutritionist (who asks you a bunch of questions and creates a personalized plan) much more than seeing the personal trainer with a sports nutrition education who gave me a generic plan meant for athletes. Nothing against her personally (she's very nice) but I'm not in training to become an athlete. I'm just an ordinary Jane who wants to be fit enough to live a healthy life doing things like racquetball, biking, dancing, riding in an airplane comfortably, wearing clothes I actually like, riding roller coasters, etc. I also want to have energy and stamina because not only can my job be intense, my doctoral studies require hours upon hours of research. I don't like drinking coffee or energy drinks in an attempt to keep myself awake (doesn't work anyway).

Because my Sunday weigh-in still shows no weight loss I made a concerted effort to eat less today. I ended up getting only about 1200 calories. I took some nonfat cottage cheese and melon chunks to work for a "late" breakfast, and a couple of hours later had a Cedarlane lowfat burrito for the fiber. For lunch I had Campbell's ham and bean soup - the whole, big can! For dinner I had some broiled cod, a small sweet potato (baked) and broccoli. Today wasn't a workout day, which is good because I'm still nursing my calves from the stint on the elliptical trainer.

I'm feeling good about the healthy foods I've been eating, and the way I've stuck to my 45-minute workouts, which are increasing in intensity every week. I'm amazed that so quickly, 2.5 mph on the treadmill became too slow! I'm also happy about saving for the nutritionist; I'm hoping this will be a major turning point for me in putting me on the path back to raw (and jump-starting my weight loss).

One thing I learned through my Raw Odyssey last year was that the journey to health can be just as fun as reaching the final weight and fitness goal numbers. I tend to envision the future and want to be there already, so I get frustrated. But if I keep in mind how well I've been doing overall - while not aiming for perfection- I can really enjoy the odyssey and have much to be proud of along the way.