What a Day....

I've come to That Point in my raw diet. There appear to be several benchmarks (for want of a better word) that I reach in the early stages of my raw odyssey. One is a point where I've eaten the same thing over and over and start to get bored. There's also a point where I have little time or energy to put ingredients together and find myself eating some nasty combination of veggies in a makeshift salad. Today I was running late and threw together the most tasteless group of veggies you can think of (I won't recount them for you or you may feel as sick as I did). As I sat during a lunchtime seminar at my job, eating my nasty salad, I actually realized I was contemplating a trip to the bathroom to purge the contents of my stomach. It was that bad. Sigh...

So now I have a new quest: to go through my blog history and refresh my memory of the stuff I used to eat, then find a way to prepare salads and other meals using the tastier and easiest-to-prepare ingredients. I know that when I am bored and unsatisfied, I am more likely to stray from my raw diet in the early stages of transforming my eating. I think being in this alone adds to the difficulty. When I had a partner we both shared in the food ideas and meal preparations, shared the shopping duties, and reminded each other of why we are doing this. We also told each other how great we were looking, how loose our clothes were getting, how good we were being to our bodies, etc. I'm not good at telling myself this stuff, so going it alone is more difficult in ways I hadn't previously considered. Having a nutritionist is a big help. Now, if she would just move in and cut up my veggies for me!

Speaking of the nutritionist, I have lost more weight. I'm now down about 18 lbs since June 10th. At 20 lbs lost she'll take my measurements again. I have noticed my pants are a tad looser, but that thrill of knowing I am truly on my way hasn't hit me yet. I used to get overjoyed at losing weight. I'd have the next lower sized pants hanging in the closet and I would make bets on how long it would be before I'd fit into them. I don't have that joy anymore, perhaps because I've been there, done that. Or maybe I'm more focused on health then size - I do get joyful over improvements in my cholesterol and BP levels, after all! I would like to have that joy in other areas again, though. I remember how much I loved my achievements in the gym a few years ago, and how much fun it was to give away a new pile of "fat" clothes.

The stress of being a grad student probably interferes with that joy a little, too. Between the dissertation research, comprehensive exam studies, and growing work responsibilities, I am stressed out quite often- in fact, I am pretty good at being stressed! So good that my blood pressure was 120/90. The nutritionist said that stress (and not drinking enough water) are two things that can raise the lower number. Both of those are issues for me, so I am going to try meditation, and will try to do better with the water.

NOTE:
Don't know if it's my aging eyes, but the old white-on-black text was starting to get to me. Was it bugging you? As you can see, I am making changes to this blog's layout. These may continue over the next few days (or weeks, depending on how much doodoo I get into after the initial switch). I want to be up-to-date with Blogger's technologies, and this blog has been a little behind. What I'd most like to do is make comments visible at the bottom of each post, and make the colors a little easier on the eyes. What will actually happen may surprise us all!

Date with a Doctor

I wasn't happy with my visit to the doctor; he thinks I may have sleep apnea. This is not surprising to me, as I've been feeling tired, very sleepy, and stressed lately. I didn't bother setting up the sleep test because I was diagnosed with sleep apnea pre-raw (2005), and since I've regained the weight after going off raw, it makes sense that I would have this problem again. It's just that my symptoms are worse this time. My blood pressure was not good either: 145 over 81. I will have the blood tests done shortly and that will reveal the rest of what my nutritionist wants to know about my current state of health. All of this information makes my work with the nutritionist that much more important this year so I can make the dramatic changes I need to improve my health. I'm thinking of going directly to a raw diet rather than doing the phase-in I was thinking of. With the nutritionist's help, I'll be avoiding the nutritional problems I had when I did raw without "professional" guidance before.

That's all for tonight!

Who Deputized You as the Raw Police?

I haven't blogged in a few days due to feeling awful about going off my raw diet, and also due to all the negative things I've been going through this past week. I won't be going into details, but as far as not eating raw, I ate this week the way most Americans do- all the wrong stuff. Still, I don't feel like I'm leaving the raw life, just that I took a break. Eating raw takes a little work, as I've said in previous posts, so when I got stressed out and wanted to make parts of my life easier, out went the effort to stay raw. The funny thing about it (ok, not that funny) was that on two occasions that I did not eat raw, I was with other university people. At a banquet, one of them looked at my plate with a major frown and I had no idea what she was frowning about. She said, "That's not raw!!" She says this loudly enough for people who don't even know me to hear. Oh, good Lord! I can't remember exactly what I told her, but it was something to the effect that sometimes I just do the best I can. And then I got myself some linguini.

Another day, there was free food left over from a catered event I was part of. I hadn't eaten the food because it wasn't raw, but I was hungry and I hadn't gotten my paycheck yet so groceries in the house were almost nil (I was eating cottage cheese, bread and fruit all week). When a coworker mentioned to everyone that there was free food in the lounge for us, she pointedly said to me, "there's nothing for you." Oh, yeah? Who sent for the Raw Police??? Well, I immediately went and got myself a turkey sandwich with mayonnaise.

This is why I hate talking about my personal life to people I have to be around every day. People think you are made of cement and will never change, and they are careful to remind you of what you said months ago or a year ago. Well, I'm human and I'm not perfect, and I don't owe them any explanations for going off my raw diet. On the other hand, sometimes people do care and hate to see you go backwards- that I can understand, but don't go policing me! I have enough problems already without a guilty conscience.

I tackled another raw-related issue this weekend: my thinning hair. I really don't think it's growing back, but it still doesn't seem to be breaking off the way it was. Since I start my new and very important job tomorrow- a job that can usher me into the next stage of my life- I want to feel comfortable and confident. This is not a place to wear hats, but I hate wigs because I feel so inauthentic, and I hate doing makeup and wig stuff- it's just not me. So to feel like I have at least some integrity again, I acknowledged that I can't afford an expensive haircut and my hair doesn't look good natural, and I got out the curling iron. After a long struggle, I came up with a hairstyle that covers up the thinning parts decently enough to make them barely noticeable. My hair still grows, so the length helped to disguise it. Truthfully, my hair probably looks worse to me than it would to the casual observer because I know what I've lost, while 99.99% of the world has no before-and-after to compare me to. I probably look fine; I just don't have any more confidence. Today I debut my new look at a meeting. I am nervous and not entirely happy, but this is what I've got to deal with. I am relieved not to be hiding under a hat or wig. If people think I look like crap, that's just the way it goes.

Boy, I've really had a bad attitude this week. Between the money problems, academic stress, my upcoming move to a new home, and the physical/emotional consequences of going off raw, I can't wait to get back to my raw plan. Once I get back to that, I know I'll feel a little better mentally. Eating raw is my "home base" for a lot of things in my life. When I don't eat raw, things are screwed up!

Thanks for listening.