Worked on the Outside of Me; Tomorrow I Start Work on the Inside!

What a wonderful vacation I had! But now it's back to reality. Of course I completely blew away any idea of a food plan during my vacation. I had Mexican food from a taco shop, ice cream, fried fish, fattening breakfasts, Starbucks frappucinos, Pepsi... I'm sure I've gained 5 pounds, even though I did get some walking in. I don't care, though. It was fun! And now I can get down to business, set some health goals, and go shopping to stock up my kitchen with the good stuff. Since I'm going to continue eating fish even after I start eating a mostly raw diet, I bought an indoor grill. I love grilled salmon fillets! I'll probably even grill veggies from time to time.

My new haircut and clothes made their debut at my job today, where I got some compliments. I thought I looked great compared to my usual lackluster, slouching, "don't look at me" appearance. Feeling good in nice clothing, a chic hairstyle and polished toenails and fingernails is having a positive effect on my self esteem. Appearance isn't everything, but since mine has been a reflection of my lack of self confidence, putting more attention on looking good is helpful to me. So now that I've given some attention to my outsides, I'll be giving nutritional attention to my insides. I see the nutritionist tomorrow!

Gearing Up for the Big Day

I'm acting like seeing my nutritionist is like Christmas morning or something, but I really am excited about it. I am much more likely to spend money on things that are bad for me than are good, so I am giving myself a pat on the back for investing in my health. Of course, leading up to the visit I've been eating like a madwoman. I can tell, however, that I'm not fully in junk food mode because most of the foods I've been buying I can barely eat. When I eat mostly vegetables, as with Chinese vegetable stir fry, or when I get sushi, I can eat the whole order. Probably psychological- but I'll take advantage of it!

Hey Chubbiegirl- thanks for the comment. I really am baffled about my inability to lose weight last month- that's never happened to me before. It was like I had hit a plateau before I'd even begun! I will indeed look up insulin resistance, as well as the positive influence that cinnamon may have on that condition. Maybe I'll remember to ask the nutritionist if she's ever heard of using cinnamon for that. It would be nice if she were into natural remedies.

This weekend I tried on some clothes at Lane Bryant and The Avenue and actually took pictures of myself in them precisely because I can't stand the way I look after this weight gain. I'm trying to get past my negative body image. To that end I've also been doing some digital art, using it as a kind of therapy to desensitize myself to my appearance. If I spend enough time taking photos of myself and drawing sketches of myself, maybe I'll stop being so concerned with whether I look "bad" to others and start to see what my body has in common with other bodies. Art and photography used to be a couple of my many hobbies, but I haven't drawn in ages. This project could be a fun way to pick it up again.

Clothing Therapy

I've taken a little break from my healthy menu and workouts to indulge in my naughty little food treats (you saw that coming, didn't you?) It was fun but, as usual, it's always more fun eating fast food and junk than dealing with the aftermath- the stomach aches, etc. I probably wouldn't have bothered to eat those foods if I hadn't had the nutritionist appointment coming up! Fortunately, I know that next week I will be rejuvenated in my quest for health and fitness because of my new, personalized health plan. I will be meeting with the nutritionist THREE DAYS A WEEK in July. If things go well and I can afford it, I will sign up for August as well.

The nutritionist sent me a packet of documents to fill out. It asks for your measurements and weight, a basic health history, your nutritional goals, as well as questions regarding past/present eating disorders. They recommend you see a doctor before starting their program. They have a personal trainer who does a weight routine, but I can't cough up an extra $150 for him right now. I definitely want to start weight training soon, though.

Next weekend I'm spending time with a friend in California who is going to go clothes shopping with me. I really need clothing therapy! Because I hate shopping for clothes I tend to grab from the rack whatever is in my size. If it fits, great. If it's a tad too big that's great, too. If it's too small I might hang on to it or I might return it. But I never try on a series of outfits (and I never buy feminine-looking clothes because I'd really have to try those on!) Nope, I'm all slacks, t-shirts and button-down blouses. I have one dressy shirt, one pair of dress slacks, and one boxy jacket. The rest is all sporty casual and definitely not me.

My friend will help me to buy some stylish clothes, sizes 26/28, that look best on the body I've got right now. This is therapy for me because I hate to acknowledge that I've gained so much weight. To me, clothes shopping is nothing but a reminder of what I've done to myself. However, I know that when I feel good about my clothes, I have more self-confidence and a much more positive attitude throughout the day. I remember fondly the nice outfits I used to put together before I gained all of this weight. Nothing expensive, or trendy- just quality clothes that were tailored, had some personality, and fit me nicely. These days my fashion statement is "don't notice me, please." So I'm gonna work on changing that. I don't think I should wait until I get smaller to start dressing better, although I must say that spending money on clothes when I'm losing weight is very hard for me to do. I hate wasting hard-earned money. I have to rethink that attitude: spending money on something that makes me feel better about myself shouldn't be considered a waste!

Oh, the Pain....

I am really suffering from Saturday's racquetball session with my friend Cindy. My serving arm is killing me, my neck hurts, my legs hurt... but it's a good hurt! The hurt of doing well in the gym. After eating indulgently on Friday and Saturday, I am back to health today. Cindy made the healthy breakfast pictured here: a spinach and mushroom omelet with a little cheddar cheese on top (in honor of my love of cheese!), some tomato slices and strawberries.

Rather than driving straight to the house when I left Cindy's this morning I stopped at the gym and put my time in on the treadmill. As usual I didn't put much thought into my warm-up, but I noticed that it took longer for the front of my ankles to start hurting, and they didn't hurt as intensely or for as long as they have in the past. I started the workout at about 2.7 mph and quickly went up to 3.0. It seems my heart rate has improved so that working out at 3.0 is well within the 117 to 144 heart rate range I'm supposed to stay at for "fat burning." I did push it to 3.1 and 3.2 mph a couple of times because I am trying to work myself up to 3.5 mph.

Cindy is trying to get me out of my self-consciousness about my appearance, so she's been giving me her clothes as she loses weight. So far she's given me a swimsuit, a pair of swim trunks and a sleeveless gym shirt. I avoided the pool this weekend but I did wear the sleeveless shirt. I hated the look but she said I looked fine. I guess that's what friends are for, huh?

As I sit here I am really sore in my upper right arm and my neck, but yesterday's racquetball session was totally worth it. I am always up for a game of racquetball. I could be in a full leg cast and I would be happy to lean against the wall in the court and hit a few balls! Between racquetball and the treadmill I should be getting fit and losing weight pretty steadily. I hope to get back to my former racquetball form so that my friend won't kick my butt so badly again!

Cindy sent me home not only with clothes but with food- she's such a caretaker. So I've got frozen turkey burgers (I totally threw out the vegetarian thing this weekend!), some swordfish, haddock and cod to try this week. She's been very helpful to me despite the fact that we are competing for who loses the most weight this month. :-) I weighed myself at her place after breakfast and found I was up several pounds. I'll have to weigh tomorrow morning for a more accurate picture, but I do expect to have gained. I'm not upset! I had too much fun and too good a workout today to worry about a few pounds this week.

Getting Smaller!

Today I had some frustration as I dressed for my new job. Nothing fits!! At least none of my nice clothes. The pants I wore to the interview a couple of months ago are hanging on me now, and the second-nicest pants I have were only slightly salvaged by a belt (that I had to dig a new notch into). I still have two new pairs of pants that I cannot fit into, though. One is a pair of very light beige dress pants, size 22, that I can still barely pull up. The other are size 22 brown capris which I love and can now fasten if I contort myself into a pretzel, hold my breath and exert the power of a thousand superheroes. But hey- I couldn't fasten them at all a week ago! Seriously, though, progress is being made.

This morning I still weighed about 267- that is a miracle. I never weighed under 270 for more than one day before the fast. Makes me want to do another fast this weekend! My appetite is still lower this week than it was before the fast, and I am happily going along with it. For breakfast I had half a cantaloupe and used the little crater as a bowl for grapes, blueberries and cherries. At the meeting while the staff ate the catered meal of meat and cheese sandwiches, I made a little salad from the leftover lettuce and tomato. For dinner I had the other cantaloupe half and filled it with cottage cheese. I've had a couple of snacks since dinner: nuts (since I've hardly had any this week) , dried mango, and more fresh fruit. Boy, am I full!! I think only ate because I was studying and probably needed a distraction. :-)

The Torture Of Clothes Shopping

Today as I put on a pair of black capris pants and noticed I was floating in them, I thought about the onerous task awaiting me: shopping for new clothes. I love having new clothes, but I hate shopping for them- it's nothing short of torture. When I got down to a size 14 a few years ago I noticed how much easier it was to find cheap, decently-made, stylish clothing. At size 12 and 10 I even rejoiced at rarely having to try anything on- I could just grab something off the rack, pay and leave. And what a selection! I could really express my inner "wild child" in those days.


Today, at a size 24, shopping is even more torturous. I don't own a single item of clothing that expresses my persona because I can't find anything decent in my size that I like and/or can afford. My clothes are strictly utilitarian: they keep me legal and protect me from the elements. When I was near my goal weight and could wear the clothes I loved, I used to take walks just for the joy of being able to look the way I wanted to. I went to bookstores, cafes, outdoor fairs, etc. because I felt so good about my weight loss and my ability to dress in a way that reflected who I was.

As a large woman in ugly clothes, I don't like to go out much, and I often find myself walking with my eyes cast away from people, as if I were trying to hide. As I lose this weight, I look forward to presenting myself once again in the way I want to be seen, and feeling happy about the way I feel and look. It's not about being pretty; it's just about the freedom to express myself through my personal style. A freedom I don't feel these days.

The Clothes Pile is Getting Bigger!

The weight loss may be slow (I'm at 277) but today I went through my clothes to get rid of the ones that are too big. The pile may not be amazingly huge, but it's progress, I tell you! I now have five pairs of pants that are too big for me. Too bad I don't have five pairs of pants to replace them with- but I'm not going to jinx myself by complaining. Let all my clothes get too big! I'll find a way to deal with it somehow. :-)

Trying to Motivate Myself

Fairleigh Dickinson University
Originally uploaded by rawallison.

When I was a kid I remember my dad getting his college degree and how proud I was of him. The memory of his hard work is one of my motivations to finish my Ph.D. He gave me a sweatshirt (pictured above) that I've never let go of. Of course it was too big for me back then, but then suddenly I was way too big for it, having become overweight by age 12. I always told myself I would fit into it one day.

I did fit into one day, when I was about 36. And I do mean "one day", because it took about five minutes for me to start regaining the 190 lbs I had taken three years to lose. I was devastated, and since regaining the weight I've had a hard time imagining myself in that sweatshirt again, or fitting into smaller clothes at all. I had really let myself down, and believed I had let my family down as well. I didn't trust myself anymore.

But now that I'm eating raw, I truly believe that losing weight permanently is a possibility for the first time. The types of foods I eat now are easier to control; so few of them are addictive to me and I can pinpoint the one or two things that I need to be wary of- raw milk cheese and nuts that I put salt on (fat and salt!) - and decide without too much fanfare to give them up completely or to greatly lessen the amounts I consume.

On my Standard American (weight-loss) Diets 90% of what I ate was addictive- the carbs in my frozen meals, the sugars in the "lite" desserts, the chemicals in my favorite pops, the salt and fat in the "lite" snacks. How could I regulate my weight-loss efforts when I was feeding addictions at the same time? I'm so glad that now I can see that the types of foods I was consuming were the cause of my eating problems, not greed, laziness or any of the labels people slap onto us overweight people.

Raw food takes away most of my obsession with food. Not all of it, though, because years ago the obsession with food and eating became a mindset that is hard to get rid of in just 4 monhts. But I have a lot more mental "freedom" since going raw because I'm not obsessing over my next meal or trying to see if I can "fit" such and such a thing into my menu today the way I use to. I still have to learn to eat when I'm hungry and not out of boredom, but the boredom issue is not about food, it's about getting up the courage to get out of the house and DO things without caring about the fact that I'm still overweight. That's a whole separate issue to work on!

Sometimes I feel a bit depressed that I have over 100 lbs to lose, but that is tempered by the fact that I've lost over 60 lbs already and am healthier than I used to be- and getting better all the time! So one day - next year, I'm sure- I will fit into that Fairleigh Dickinson sweatshirt for a third time. (Maybe I'll even buy a modern one to go along with it.) :-)

I've Reached Another Weight Loss Milestone!

I'm thrilled to be just about done with the semester! There are many students who will not see me between now and the end of August, so I hope to be very noticeably smaller to them when the Fall semester begins. I am well on my way- I am now in the 270's! I tried on a pair of beige pants that I couldn't get past my hips about a month ago and I could fasten them today! I can't say they fit comfortably yet, but I should be able to wear them outside in another month.

Being a poor college student, I worry about clothes. I just went on a job interview and was surprised at the looseness of my only decent black pants. Losing weight is great, but not having smaller clothes to wear on the way down is frustrating. When I get a job, I will have to buy office attire because these casual, baggy clothes I have simply will not do! I hope I can find decent work clothes in my size at thrift stores.

"Denise" sent a recipe for greens. I thought I would print it in the blog rather than leaving it in the comments area. I think Felicia is going to try making this recipe. She said it sounds like the southern cooking she grew up with (I'm a northern girl - we never ate greens in my family).

"Wash and cut [the greens]...add oil then seasonings....3 bunches of collards, olive and flax oil to coat, 1tbs garlic powder (I used some fresh garlic as well) 1 tbs onion powder,1tbs chili powder,1bs cajun seasoning,1tbs lemon juice,1/2 tbs cayenne, nam shoya to taste...let marinate two days, tossing each day!! it's great served with chopped tomato and some red onion...let me know how u like it"
...denise

Thank you, Denise!