Saturday, June 03, 2006

A Night Out on the Town

Last night I went out dancing and had a great time because the atmosphere was fun and the music was good. There was a live band as well as a DJ, and the lighting was very well done. I'm not one to go out and buy rap music, but in a club they can make it very danceable. When I was smaller (for about 5 minutes) I really enjoyed dancing. Now that I'm over 100 lbs overweight, I feel very conspicuous and don't like the image I have of myself on the dance floor. I know that's my issue and that I need to work on it, but the fact remains, I don't like dancing in public the way I'd like to.

Felicia, on the other hand, attracted an admiring crowd out there on the floor. Women and men were clapping and trying to dance with her. A man offered to buy her a drink! I really didn't want to be near her because when they looked at her dancing, they naturally looked at me, too, and I don't want to be noticed these days. But I didn't want to spoil her good time, either.

I remember when times were reversed and she weighed over 300 lbs and I weighed about 170 and worked out at least 4 times a week (size 10 at 170!) Part of my sadness is knowing I used to be where she is but ruined it for myself. The other part is that I feel especially terrible-looking next to her, as she is gorgeous! But in the end, just seeing her having such a good time made me happy as well. I focused on that as much as I could. I also took lots of pictures- I'm making a video of her journey, and the changes since her surgery are truly amazing. (For newcomers to Raw Odyssey, Felicia's story has been told in this blog: Felicia's Story.) We plan to go out more often. It'll help us both in different ways- for me, it'll have a desensitizing effect, I hope, in that I won't think so much about how I look on the floor. For her, it'll boost her confidence in her appearance and of her progress towards fitness and health. I just hope I can have fun now, not a year from now when I'm back to size 10 or 8 or wherever I end up.




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