I haven't blogged in a few days due to feeling awful about going off my raw diet, and also due to all the negative things I've been going through this past week. I won't be going into details, but as far as not eating raw, I ate this week the way most Americans do- all the wrong stuff. Still, I don't feel like I'm leaving the raw life, just that I took a break. Eating raw takes a little work, as I've said in previous posts, so when I got stressed out and wanted to make parts of my life easier, out went the effort to stay raw. The funny thing about it (ok, not that funny) was that on two occasions that I did not eat raw, I was with other university people. At a banquet, one of them looked at my plate with a major frown and I had no idea what she was frowning about. She said, "That's not raw!!" She says this loudly enough for people who don't even know me to hear. Oh, good Lord! I can't remember exactly what I told her, but it was something to the effect that sometimes I just do the best I can. And then I got myself some linguini.
Another day, there was free food left over from a catered event I was part of. I hadn't eaten the food because it wasn't raw, but I was hungry and I hadn't gotten my paycheck yet so groceries in the house were almost nil (I was eating cottage cheese, bread and fruit all week). When a coworker mentioned to everyone that there was free food in the lounge for us, she pointedly said to me, "there's nothing for you." Oh, yeah? Who sent for the Raw Police??? Well, I immediately went and got myself a turkey sandwich with mayonnaise.
This is why I hate talking about my personal life to people I have to be around every day. People think you are made of cement and will never change, and they are careful to remind you of what you said months ago or a year ago. Well, I'm human and I'm not perfect, and I don't owe them any explanations for going off my raw diet. On the other hand, sometimes people do care and hate to see you go backwards- that I can understand, but don't go policing me! I have enough problems already without a guilty conscience.
I tackled another raw-related issue this weekend: my thinning hair. I really don't think it's growing back, but it still doesn't seem to be breaking off the way it was. Since I start my new and very important job tomorrow- a job that can usher me into the next stage of my life- I want to feel comfortable and confident. This is not a place to wear hats, but I hate wigs because I feel so inauthentic, and I hate doing makeup and wig stuff- it's just not me. So to feel like I have at least some integrity again, I acknowledged that I can't afford an expensive haircut and my hair doesn't look good natural, and I got out the curling iron. After a long struggle, I came up with a hairstyle that covers up the thinning parts decently enough to make them barely noticeable. My hair still grows, so the length helped to disguise it. Truthfully, my hair probably looks worse to me than it would to the casual observer because I know what I've lost, while 99.99% of the world has no before-and-after to compare me to. I probably look fine; I just don't have any more confidence. Today I debut my new look at a meeting. I am nervous and not entirely happy, but this is what I've got to deal with. I am relieved not to be hiding under a hat or wig. If people think I look like crap, that's just the way it goes.
Boy, I've really had a bad attitude this week. Between the money problems, academic stress, my upcoming move to a new home, and the physical/emotional consequences of going off raw, I can't wait to get back to my raw plan. Once I get back to that, I know I'll feel a little better mentally. Eating raw is my "home base" for a lot of things in my life. When I don't eat raw, things are screwed up!
Thanks for listening.
5 comments:
Hang in there! You'll be back at it soon. It is impressive what you have accomplished to date.
taking care of yourself sometimes comes down to doing what you know is the only option at the time without beating yourself up about it. when you have the time and the money you'll find your path to whatever way your body needs to eat.
take care of yourself
cg
I've been reading your blog for a while and I hugely admire the way you've become more in touch with what you eat. I'm not a qualified food person at all, just someone who lost weight by eating sensibly and working out.
But although eating raw is a great way of feeding your body healty nutritients, I think it might not be too healthy on the long run for most people. I got really worried about your hair loss, which to me was a sign that your body was protesting. The large numbers of avocados, hummus, beans, nuts you eat to get protein is not really great for weight loss.
Your body is probably missing a few nutrients. If I were you, and again, I'm a total stranger and not a specialist in any way, I would use the vast knowledge you've accrued about food to keep eating healthy, and especially keep pursuing the workouts, without focusing on raw food only.
Try other foods too (my uneducated guess is you should eat more fish), but keep a balance. And most of all, don't beat yourself up because you've falling off the 'raw' bandwagon. Don't forget you've already come very far.
I know that I shouldn't but I always feel soo sad when I hear black women say that there natural hair doesn't look good...it's really heartbreaking to know that the brainwashing of america has penetrated...we are beautiful just the way the most high has made us...our natural hair is glorious...I wish that someday you will know what freedom truly is....having natural hair is the epitomy of freedom!!!..peace....ps did it ever occur to you that eating raw didnt make your hair fall out...maybe the perm or press is the culprit
Hi, Naptress,
I'm sorry you misunderstood my comment about my hair. If you go back through the history of my blog you'll see that my hair has fallen out and that this has been a major source of anxiety for me. I prefer to wear my hair natural and have for years, but I will cover my hair with a hat or a wig until it grows back. This is a health issue, not a racial pride issue!
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